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January 12, 2011

I was going to just respond (and clarify) the comments on my last post, but it turned into a bit of a story on its own so here you go.

I didn’t at all mean to be cryptic, but out of respect for the others in my family who are involved with this particular issue I don’t want to provide details. And it actually doesn’t even really matter what it is. I think the main thing for me is the dismay that comes from feeling like (to reiterate the analogy) all the pieces were coming together only to have something I didn’t anticipate (note: not a lack of sleep, sadly) knock me over again.

I wrote about it because I was so mad, so upset that I needed to somehow get it out. And this has become my outlet (or one of them, anyway). I’m still trying to find my voice and my approach to this story. I don’t want to use this blog to diarize every up and down and every little negative thought that goes through my head because I know full well no one wants to read that.

But part of my intention in telling my story is to say: this is what I find hard and this is how I react to that, and if you do that too you’re not alone. It’s also to note what helps me, and what I’m doing to help myself, in the hope that maybe it will help others too.

Sometimes none of that matters and I just have a horrible, no good, very bad day. That’s what yesterday turned into (and today wasn’t a whole lot better). So I admitted it and in doing so what I’m actually saying is, “Help me.”

But if I sound positive, I’ll take that as a sign that things have improved for me in the last few months and hold on to that.

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