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Not So Fast

January 17, 2011

I got through yesterday but then 1 a.m. came and the kid was awake.  I got him calmed down and tucked in again, but he wanted me to sit in the rocking chair while he fell asleep and last night I couldn’t do it.

He wiggled. Turned over. Turned over again. Looked up to see if I was still there.

He wasn’t asleep.

At moments like this I can feel my patience leaving me, as though it’s a physical sensation. First it’s just a tightness in my chest, then I feel my patience start to flow like a stream. It begins in my shoulders and goes down my arms. By the time it gets to my fingertips it’s too late to grasp on. (At times, when I’m hanging on by a thread, I find myself opening and closing my hands as if to keep what patience I have from slipping away entirely. That’s when the little voice in my brain pipes up. “You’re acting crazy,” it says.)

Last night I felt the irrational side of my brain start to take over, and I let it. “I can’t sit here until he falls asleep every time he wakes up in the middle of the night,” it asserted. And furthermore, “I don’t want to.

Plus, I had to pee.

He had been quiet for a couple of minutes so I got up, knowing full well he’d look up to find me gone and start wailing. And he did.

I went back in but it was too late. He had lost it and I was losing it. “I’m DONE!” he yelled. Wouldn’t calm down, wouldn’t lie down. Wanted to sleep with me.

And I couldn’t do it.

“Lie down so I can tuck you back in or I’m going back to bed,” I said. “Last chance.”

He didn’t. So I did.

The shrieks of “MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!” brought my husband from the next room. He, less tired than I, was willing to have a roommate for the night. They left and I stayed in our guest room – my sanctuary – and wondered how it’s possible that in no time at all I can go from coping to NOT AT ALL.

Is it a mommy fail? Or do we all have moments like this?

5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 18, 2011 2:16 pm

    I have a moment like this every other day! AND I love sleeping in the spare room
    You’re doing great

  2. April permalink
    January 18, 2011 9:09 am

    We all have moments like that. Skadi sounds so much like your son, wanting someone there or else she screams. And that girl can scream for hours – we have found this out from experience. But we are making strides with her. Anyways, things are lightening up and she is actually sleeping through the night 75% of the time now. That doesn’t mean that the 25% is any less frustrating for either Hans or me.

  3. laurel permalink
    January 17, 2011 12:03 pm

    Everyone has moments like that. Fail is not something to internalize. Instead of clenching, or in addition to, do the deep breathing thing. Positive affirmations. Positive thoughts and as usual Michelle is right. You have an enormous load and are sleep deprived. You are also loved beyond your expectations.

  4. Briegh permalink
    January 17, 2011 11:55 am

    We all have moments like this.

  5. Michelle permalink
    January 17, 2011 10:17 am

    You know I am not going to let you get away with using the “f” word (fail). Remember you have A LOT going on besides a “spirited”, active, beautiful son and perfection is not the goal. If I had a child maybe I’d know what to say but I don’t but even from here you are an amazing mom.

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